It’s no secret that friendships can be hard. They’re intimate and complicated. And figuring out how to keep them in a healthy place can be tricky.
Some people sabotage their friendships for all sorts of reasons. It could be because of unrealistic expectations or destined beliefs (like the belief that there’s one person out there who’s utterly perfect for them). It could also be something much more subtle, like blatant flakiness.
1. You’re Not Taking the Time to Get to Know Them
There’s a reason it takes time to really get to know someone, or you aren’t putting yourself in situations to meet new people. To truly understand them, you need to observe them in different situations and then see how their personality traits play out. It also helps to ask questions and listen to their answers. This process is not fast, but it’s definitely worth it if you want to truly know the person.
If you’re not giving new friendships enough time to really blossom, it’s likely because you don’t believe that they can ever be as fulfilling as your other relationships. Perhaps you’re afraid of getting your heart broken or maybe you think that you will never find anyone else that you can connect with at the level that you want to. Whatever the reason, it’s important to recognize this pattern so that you can change it and allow yourself to build a true community of friends.
Another thing that can really sabotage your relationship with people is the way that you talk about them to other people. It’s not only unfair to the friend that you’re talking about, but it can actually hurt their feelings when you tell other people a lot of details about them without their permission.
This is a form of toxic friendship behaviors that often stems from trust issues, low self-esteem or a lack of good relationship skills. To break this pattern, it’s important to seek the help of a coach that is specifically trained to deal with these kinds of issues. They’ll be able to help you uncover the root causes of your behavior and then create a plan to break it. They’ll be able to understand your situation much better than your coworker, aunt or bartender will.
2. You’re Trying to Fit In
When you’re feeling uncomfortable or anxious, it can feel like a natural reaction to want to fit in. However, if you’re constantly trying to squish yourself into a place or group that isn’t right for you, it’s not going to be healthy or happy. It may seem less lonely in the short term, but if you don’t truly belong there, the loneliness will only intensify.
For some people, a sense of social belonging and acceptance is essential to their identity and self-worth. This can lead to a vicious cycle of always trying to fit in. It can also lead to a lack of trust and closeness in relationships.
Another reason you may be trying to fit in is because you’re afraid of rejection. You may believe that you’re not good enough or that your unique personality isn’t a fit for the current group you’re with. This can be a difficult habit to break, but it’s important that you remember that rejection isn’t personal.
In order to develop healthy friendships, you need to be willing to grow and change. This is a huge part of what makes a relationship meaningful. If you find that a group or friend isn’t serving your growth, it may be time to make a move.
3. You’re Not Taking the Time to Listen
It’s not just about talking; listening is an essential part of any conversation. Listening is about understanding someone’s story or point of view and also taking the time to share your own. However, if you’re always interrupting people or jumping in with your own stories, they might not be as likely to take the time to listen to you in return.
When you don’t take the time to listen to people, it shows that you’re not really interested in hearing them or in their perspective. Moreover, it can be hard to have a meaningful conversation when you’re not even paying attention to their words and body language.
Listening can be a tricky thing, especially when you’re dealing with sensitive topics. You might get triggered by something someone says, or they may disagree with you, and that can make it difficult to stay engaged in the conversation.
This could also be a sign that you are not comfortable with sharing your own opinions or experiences, or that you have a lack of confidence in your ability to listen. If you’re not able to listen, it might be best to let the friendship go before it goes too far.
Making and keeping friends isn’t easy, but it’s important to remember that it takes work. If you’re finding that your relationships with others are sabotaged, it’s time to reflect on your behaviors and change them. With a little effort, you can find yourself in healthy and supportive relationships that help you thrive!
4. You’re Not Taking the Time to Be Honest
When it comes to friendships, honesty is a key ingredient. It enables people to understand one another and it allows them to see the truth about themselves. But there are times when honesty goes a little too far, and that’s where it can hurt relationships.
That’s why you need to learn how to be honest in a healthy way. It’s not always easy, especially if you haven’t learned how to do it properly, but it’s a skill that can be beneficial in your friendships and romantic relationships.
For example, if someone is invading your space or making comments that are rude or inappropriate, it’s important to let them know. However, there are also times when it may be better to hold back from being honest because it could hurt their feelings or make them feel bad about themselves.
This is where it’s helpful to work with a relationship coach who has a deep understanding of the dynamics of relationships and can help you find healthy ways to express yourself. A coach will be able to recognize when your honesty is going too far and work with you to prescribe a solution that works for your unique personality.
Whether you’re in the throes of an intense graduate program, a high-pressure job or navigating the complexities of your love life, it’s crucial to have strong, supportive relationships. Sadly, though, many of us find it difficult to maintain these connections, and it’s often because of our own self-sabotage. The good news is, there are many things you can do to improve your relationships and ensure that they last — even if it takes some time. Keep reading to find out the top ways you are sabotaging your relationships, and what to do about it.
5. You’re Not Taking the Time to Be Flexible
When you have flexibility in your life, it’s easier to cope with shit that comes up and to accommodate other people’s schedules. Flexibility in friendships is also important because it gives you the freedom to be yourself and to give your friends the space they need to transform into their true selves as they get older and learn more about life. Trying to hold them to who they were in college or last year will only lead to frustration and could eventually cause your friendship with them to end.
In her book The Love Gap, author Ury describes this kind of person as a “Ditcher.” They fall in love, but they bail when the chemistry isn’t what it was in those heady first weeks.